‘Are you still playing with them?’

When we're young, we like to think we're in control of our own social lives, particularly when it comes to who we choose to be friends with. Our parents, however, still shape the way we interact with our peers. Family can both indirectly and directly impact the way we engage with others; sometimes, it's even as blatant as parents making it clear they like (or don't like) particular friends.

But strong disapproval of a friend might have wider impact than intended, a new study finds; instead of heading off influences that could lead to bad behaviour, disapproval itself may potentially increase it. In the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, Goda Kaniušonytė and Brett Laursen find that when mothers voice strong disapproval of friends, it can damage their children's social standing — and this, in turn, can make behavioural problems worse.

This study's participants were 562 students attending six primary schools and three middle schools in a town in Lithuania. The same data was collected at three points during the academic year: once in September and October 2021, once in February 2022, and once in May 2022.

Firstly, participants completed a 'peer nomination inventory' — essentially a way to categorise their peers into groups. These categories included 'someone who acts out or disrupts class', 'someone you like to spend time with' and 'someone you don't like to spend time with'. They then indicated how much they felt their own behaviour was antisocial in terms of how much they engaged in activities like smoking, drinking, skipping school, lying, and cheating.

Next, young people indicated how much they agreed with statements related to their mothers' attitude towards their friends such as "My mother tells me if she doesn't want me to hang around with certain kids" and "My mother wants me to be friends with kids who are good students."

The results found that when mothers attempt to shepherd children away from relationships they perceive as bad for them, they can inadvertently create the problem they're trying to avoid, ending up worsening behavioural issues. When young people behaved poorly (according to themselves and peers) and parents responded by expressing disapproval, this damaged their relationships, alienated classmates, and led to increasingly poor behaviour.

This alienation was fairly severe, too. The team found that maternal disapproval didn't just reduce the number of classmates who enjoyed the child's company over time, but increased the number who said they disliked them.

As to why this is the case, Laursen suggests a number of reasons. "Youth may report restrictions and their reasons to friends," he writes. "Or mothers may express their disapproval directly to friends. Neither are likely to be welcomed by recipients. Friends may respond by spreading contempt or ridicule throughout the peer group. Social opportunities are likely to wither as peers avoid affiliating with someone who is depicted as uncool."

The exact mechanism which leads from maternal disapproval to increased misbehaviour, however, was not teased out by this study. Though Laursen notes that peers are alienated by maternal disapproval, the study wasn't able to identify exactly why. Future research could explore how this dynamic plays out.

The study does provide parents with some steer when it comes to dealing with friends of their children that they'd rather not encourage friendship with; while you may want to disrupt their friendships, that might not be the answer. Offering their children emotional and practical support might be the way forward, the authors say, providing a more effective buffer to peer pressure than outright disapproval.

Read the paper in full:
Goda Kaniušonytė, & Laursen, B. (2024). Maternal disapproval of friends in response to child conduct problems damages the peer status of pre‐ and early adolescents. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.14043

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