Understanding the challenges that face the autistic partner in a relationship

It was only three decades ago when it was presumed by some professionals that autistic adults were unlikely to have the skills or the desire to form romantic relationships, let alone maintain long-term relationships and have a family. This unjust and very inaccurate myth was fortunately soon discredited due to the overwhelming evidence from real-life cases.

Studies have found that autistic individuals can have both the desire for romantic relationships and the ability to form and maintain long-term relationships (Strunz et al., 2017). In their study, Strunz et al. found that 166 (73%) of their 229 autistic participants reported being in or having been in a romantic relationship. Of the group that was not in a romantic relationship, more than 50% expressed that they were afraid of not being able to meet a partner's demands. Their findings further showed that autistic adults who formed a relationship with another autistic individual reported higher relationship satisfaction.

Two autistic partners

Our experience and research studies indicate that the satisfaction rate in autistic couples is higher than in neurodiverse couples, so they may be less likely to require the services of relationship counselling. This could possibly be the reason why we did not receive many responses from couples who were both autistic in our survey.

Our survey included responses from 41 autistic adults; of these only four (three females and one male) stated that their partner was also autistic. Two reported a positive outcome to the counselling and two a negative outcome. Both couples in the positive outcome were fortunate enough to have seen a counsellor that was trained in autism; this was not the case in the two negative outcomes.

In a study which involved 12 autistic individuals, Crompton, Hallett et al. (2020) found that autistic people felt more at ease and comfortable in the company of others who were also autistic and were able to achieve a stronger sense of belonging. The participants also expressed that they felt able to offer other autistic people more patience, understanding and empathy than they felt they could offer non-autistic people. Of these 12 individuals, ten were female. In our work with neurodiverse couples, we have both found that autistic women, rather than autistic men, were more likely to choose a partner who was also autistic. This is certainly a subject which would benefit from further exploration and research in the future.

Relationships between two autistic individuals have been reported as experiencing a higher relationship satisfaction than individuals in a neurodiverse dyad (Strunz et al., 2017). This could be due to the greater understanding of each other's needs and, in particular, less emotional demands on each other and respect for the others' need for space and time to dedicate to their interests and hobbies. For example, an autistic couple who had shared their lives together for over 25 years both had interests that involved collecting. For one it was fishing magazines and for the other it was empty perfume bottles. Over the years their collections had become quite extensive and took over the majority of two rooms. Both showed total respect for each other's collections and never moved the items or suggested that either should discard any of their collections.

Intuitive understanding of a partner

It is becoming quite evident that it is difficult for autistic and non-autistic partners to intuitively understand each other. It was initially believed that the majority of misunderstandings were due to the autistic individual's difficulty reading non-verbal body language, automatically picking up social cues, and correctly interpreting voice tones and emphasis. Research is now discovering that this works in two ways and that it is also likely that non-autistic individuals have similar problems when trying to read autistic individuals (the double empathy problem).

Due to a lack of subtle facial expressions and eye contact at key points in the conversation, autistic individuals can be very difficult to read, and this can cause misunderstandings of their true intentions. Finding someone difficult to read has been connected to being perceived disapprovingly (Anders et al., 2016), and this can come at a great cost to autistic individuals when in a relationship with a non-autistic partner.

To state a few examples: giving inappropriate signals, such as evasive eye contact, can easily be interpreted as being dishonest or embarrassed; smiling when the partner is distressed can be interpreted as being uncaring or even callous; making a joke about a sensitive subject can appear as cruel or indifferent; making too much eye contact can be seen as flirting or being aggressive, to name but a few. The chances of being misread and misunderstood are high for an autistic individual when communicating with non-autistic individuals. This is greatly increased if there is no awareness or understanding of autism by their partner or relationship counsellor.

Trying to fit into the non-autistic world requires masking and this can come at a great cost as described in the following quote taken from a study by Crompton, Hallet et al. (2020, p. 1443, Participant 3):

After spending time with neurotypical friends, I feel wiped out, completely exhausted. I need to lie in a darkened room for 3–4 hours and when I do, I don't sleep, I just shut off. I can't even move and the only way I can communicate is in humming noises.

Feeling exhausted after a social event is often the reality for autistic individuals, but this will not always fit in with the dynamics of a couple's relationship, especially if one partner lacks a thorough understanding of autism. It is unlikely the non-autistic partner would understand why, when they return home from a visit to a family gathering, their autistic partner will not communicate and just want to lie down alone, especially when, for example, there are children to attend to and put to bed. Both partners will feel uncared for, both will feel unfairly misunderstood, and both will feel their needs are not being heard or met.

Partner responsiveness was the key predictor of relationship satisfaction that was found in a study of autistic and non-autistic individuals in a long-term neurodiverse relationship (Yew et al., 2023). This important finding highlights the importance of showing a partner that they are cared for, supported and validated. All the participants in this study were aware that they were in an autistic neurodiverse relationship, which also highlights the importance of being aware and understanding what that means for them. It is important for a counsellor to be aware that when working with a neurodiverse couple, it is unlikely that both partners will bring to counselling a shared experience of how they are feeling and managing within the relationship. The autistic partner is liable to hold a very different perspective and quite a different set of needs to those expressed by the non-autistic partner.

Relationship counselling should seek to educate both partners on each other's needs so that they can support, validate and offer the care that their partner requires to maintain a healthy level of relationship satisfaction.

The reality of the relationship

Although the desire to form an intimate relationship can be quite strong for the autistic individual, sometimes the reality of what it actually means in terms of the cost to their routines and freedom to spend unlimited time with their interests is overlooked. Restrictions and new responsibilities can come as quite a shock when it is realized that this freedom is no longer practical or achievable without causing their partner to react unfavourably. Having time to spend on their chosen interests and being able to incorporate order and routines into their daily life are all essential requirements for most autistic individuals. If these are overly restricted or disallowed, they are likely to negatively impact the autistic individual's ability to maintain good mental health and well-being. In light of this, the autistic partner will endeavour, at all costs, to find the time for their interests and incorporate daily routines into the family life.

If neither partner is aware their relationship is neurodiverse, both will believe that their reality is the correct one and it is their partner who has the problem. Due to the lack of partner responsiveness shown to them, the non-autistic partner may eventually become less communicative and give up trying to discuss their feelings. This silence may go unheeded by an autistic partner, who will be totally unaware that something is wrong and will continue to focus on their interests and their own needs.

Unfortunately, this behaviour could be misunderstood and perceived as unloving and uncaring by the non-autistic partner. This imbalance in the relationship cannot be maintained and will inevitably reach a critical point. This is when the autistic partner may find themselves having to make a choice between couple counselling or facing a separation.

This can come as quite a surprise for the autistic partner, as the signs that their partner was so unhappy and that their behaviour was the reason for this may have been totally overlooked. This is often due to the fact it was never their intention to cause their partner to be unhappy or to want to end the relationship. It is simply due to not understanding how it felt for their partner. This is shown clearly in the example below:

I wasn't aware. I had situations where I would be sitting on a chair, she would be on the floor bawling her eyes out and say, 'why can't you understand?' And I would say 'understand what?' (Wilson et al., 2017, p. 8)

Both partners are likely to feel the victim in this scenario because neither understands the differences that exist between them and just how diverse their requirements from each other are. Their opposing needs in the relationship to maintain emotional and mental well-being will unavoidably be in conflict if not understood. Relationship counselling will need to address this and offer an authentic understanding of the conflicting scenario that will unfold before them in the counselling room.

It is important that the counsellor can offer each partner the education and support they need to develop a healthy comprehension of each other's reality. The counsellor will need to be clear and logical when explaining to the autistic partner the reasons behind their partner's unhappiness and what they can do about it. This will require patience as the information given may, for the autistic partner, take longer to process, comprehend and apply within the relationship.

Empathy

Autistic individuals experience empathy, but when responding to another's emotions it is unlikely to be spontaneous. The autistic partner will need the situation explained clearly in a way that they can understand. That might be by using analogies or metaphors that relate to their interests or by using colours, numbers or a visual means that is appropriate.

Sometimes, it requires just stating the obvious, such as saying, 'If your partner cries it is okay to ask if she wants a hug'. Once the autistic partner understands what is required of them and knows it is safe to act on the advice, they are more likely to respond as expected and needed by their partner.

Sensory sensitivity

An area that can come at a great cost to the autistic partner when in a neurodiverse relationship is one which is not always obvious or discussed openly, and that is issues over sensory sensitivity. We have both witnessed times when disclosures regarding sensory issues by the autistic partner are only first revealed in counselling. These issues may have been ongoing for years but were not addressed as the autistic partner did not feel confident enough to bring them up or doubted their partner would understand and provide compassion for their sensory experiences.

The reasons behind the non-disclosure can be due to the realization, gained at an early age, that other children did not react in the same way. While they found it highly stressful managing a specific noise, smell or being touched, their classmates were not affected in the same way and seemed to manage their sensory reactions well. Consequently, the autistic child learns quickly to mask their sensory reactions and find alternative ways of managing the effect.

Avoidance is often the primary method used to manage aversive sensory experiences, and that might mean avoiding noisy environments, eating with the family, avoiding participating in childcare routines or sleeping with their partner. Unfortunately, the outcome of this is that the non-autistic partner will interpret this avoidance behaviour as not wanting to share events, childcare, family life or intimacy with them. They will see this behaviour as not caring for or loving them and this will have an adverse negative effect on the relationship.

When the true reason for the autistic partner's behaviour is disclosed and understood by the non-autistic partner, strategies can be implemented, and the personal element can be removed. This will make for a more harmonious relationship for both partners. However, it will not take away the daily struggle with sensory sensitivity that the autistic partner will need to manage.

It will be important for relationship counselling to initiate exploration into this area, rather than waiting for the issues to be raised by the couple, by making use of the Sensory Sensitivity Questionnaire (Aston, 2021, pp. 120–124). This can be extended to suit the individual autistic partner the counsellor is working with. Sensory sensitivity can branch out into many areas, some of which are less obvious than others. Sometimes it can be just specific situations or a singular aspect of a situation. For example, if the issue that causes a negative reaction for the autistic partner is the noise caused by eating and chewing food, it could be presumed that this applies to all noise caused by eating food. However, this is rarely the case, and it may only be eating an apple or munching crisps and popcorn. The eating of other foods may not be an issue. Further exploration of this may then discover that the rustling noise of the bag that contains the crisps and popcorn is the cause of the main irritation factor. So, when they were replaced in a plastic bag, the reaction was dampened. The couple can be encouraged to explore aversive sensory experiences in some detail to be more precise in determining the specific trigger for the extreme distress.

Some reactions to sensory experiences can be interpreted as simply quirky and will just be laughed away or ignored, such as jumping when a sudden noise is heard, or not wanting to use hand dryers in public toilets. Equally, the individual might be hyposensitive and able to pick up hot plates or have a filling without a pain relief injection. These individual reactions will not impact the relationship or cause friction between the couple. However, environmental issues may still be causing stress and anxiety to the autistic partner and will be using up valuable cognitive resources required to get them through their daily lives and avoid meltdowns.

Meltdowns

Meltdowns can take three different forms: fight, flight or freeze, none of which are pleasant. For the majority of autistic adults, we have found that the flight and freeze reactions are the most usual, as the individual will have learnt to replace the fight response that can display itself in childhood and adolescence with the less interpersonally damaging flight or freeze. If, however, in relationship counselling the autistic partner is reacting with the fight response then this will need to be addressed.

A fight response can feel quite threatening to those around; it can take the form of shouting, abusive language, breaking objects and making threats, and sometimes it is turned inwards, and harm is caused to oneself. There is a release of powerful energy that can be destructive in terms of objects or aggression towards a person. We would recommend that the autistic partner be referred to individual counselling to work on changing this response so that harm to others and self can be avoided. We would like to add here that if the relationship is affected by domestic abuse, regardless of who is the abusive partner, then the counsellor should deal with this in accordance with their ethical or organizational guidelines. Autism cannot be used as an excuse for any form of domestic abuse and does not take away legal responsibility for this very unacceptable behaviour.

Meltdowns are one area that most autistic individuals will try their best to avoid, as this can mean losing control and being in a place that they do not want to be. Witnessing a 'fight response' meltdown by a partner or their family can be very distressing and disturbing, unlike the flight or freeze response, which, although it can arouse feelings of abandonment and frustration, is less damaging to others in the long term.

The autistic partner will likely have learnt strategies and coping skills to help them avoid becoming overwhelmed and experiencing a meltdown. For some, this may be using a distraction such as their interest or playing music; for others, it may be using mindfulness or going to the gym or for a run as a constructive release of energy. All these will be ways of self-soothing, which plays a valuable role in maintaining healthy mental and physical well-being. 

These self-soothing techniques should be encouraged and never prevented. However, this may not be possible to maintain within a hectic family life and the constraints caused by being in a relationship. Relationship counselling will need to explore and discover what self-soothing techniques are used by the autistic partner. Look for ways that they can be beneficially modified, strengthened and maintained. Put together ways for both partners to be aware if a meltdown is developing and how it can be managed and prevented if possible. This will require the cooperation of both partners, and both will greatly benefit from incorporating self-soothing techniques into their daily couple lives.

Advantages of having an autistic partner

We have discussed the major challenges for the autistic individual of being in a neurodiverse relationship. These have included being misunderstood, time restrictions to spend on one's own interests, sensory sensitivity and meltdowns. Some of these can be quite debilitating for the autistic partner; they do not, however, appear to prevent most autistic individuals from forming relationships, and these relationships appear to be mainly with non-autistic partners. Despite the many challenges faced by autistic individuals when entering into a neurodiverse relationship there are also many advantages.

Research is now discovering the benefits for autistic individuals of being in the company of other autistic individuals (Crompton, Ropar et al., 2020) and that in autistic relationships the ratings were higher on relationship satisfaction scores than when in neurodiverse relationships (Strunz et al., 2017). It cannot be said however that autistic dyads do not also experience difficulties, as was found by Holmes (2023) who received negative reports from two autistic couples declaring their relationship was made very complicated and challenging due to the competing sensory profiles experienced by them.

Motivation to experience a long-term relationship

Many factors influence partner choice in forming an intimate relationship, including physical attraction, shared interests and values, personality, locality to each other, financial status and many more. These factors apply to all individuals. Our work has shown us just how Motivated autistic adults are and how much effort they will make to initiate and form a romantic relationship. We have both spent time teaching relationship skills and supporting young autistic adults in finding a relationship and supporting them through the minefield of dating and courtship.

Relationship satisfaction

The majority of relationships that we have worked with have been long term and resulted in a family. The majority have also been neurodiverse rather than autistic couplings. Research has found that in a neurodiverse dyad, it is more likely to be the non-autistic partner that reports a lower satisfaction with the relationship than the autistic partner (Strunz et al., 2017). This has been backed by reports we have both heard from the many neurodiverse couples we have supported over the years. The majority of dissatisfaction in the relationship has been voiced by the non-autistic partner rather than the autistic partner. The reasons for this are discussed in Chapter 11.

Despite the many challenges autistic partners have faced to be in a relationship, they have reported a decrease in the feelings of loneliness they were experiencing prior to the relationship. They have reported they felt more accepted within society and had their physical needs met, whether that be their partner dealing with the weekly shopping or cooking healthy meals. Most importantly, they felt they had someone they could rely on to be their social guide and deal with their social commitments and arrangements, whether that be connected to their work or personal life. One autistic gentleman who worked as a GP within a village community explained how his non-autistic partner dealt with all the telephone calls and any general concerns and queries. She was basically his social receptionist, and he relied on her communication and social skills to support him in his role as a GP.

Most essential for many autistic individuals is that their partner may be their only form of emotional support and will be a vital and valuable addition in their lives. This can be a benefit that very much outweighs the challenges that a neurodiverse relationship presents for them. Perhaps the biggest challenge for autistic individuals is knowing how to keep their partner happy and putting this into practice long term, which brings us to our next chapter, exploring 'What the autistic partner needs from relationship counselling'.

• Relationship Counselling with Autistic Neurodiverse Couples: A Guide for Professionals, by Tony Attwood and Maxine Aston is published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. 20% off when you purchase the book at uk.jkp.com with the code BPSCOUP.
• See also our neurodivergence collection.

References

Anders, S., de Jong, R., Beck, C., Haynes, J., & Ethofer, T. T. (2016). A neural link between affective understanding and interpersonal attraction. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 113, 2248–2257. 

Aston, M. (2021). The autism couple's workbook. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Crompton, C. J., Hallett, S., Ropar, D., Flynn, E., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). 'I never realised everybody felt as happy as I do when I am around autistic people': A thematic analysis of autistic adults' relationships with autistic and neurotypical friends and family. Autism, 24(6), 1438–1448. 

Crompton, C. J., Ropar, D., Evans-Williams, C. V., Flynn, E. G., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704–1712. 

Holmes, S. (2023). Exploring a later-in-life diagnosis and its impact on marital satisfaction in the lost generation of autistic adults: An exploratory phenomenological qualitative study. Global Journal of Intellectual & Developmental Disabilities, 12. 

Strunz, S., Schermuck, C., Ballerstein, S., Ahlers, C. J., Dziobek, I., & Roepke, S. (2017). Romantic relationships and relationship satisfaction among adults with Asperger syndrome and high-functioning autism. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 113–125. 

Wilson, B., Beamish, W., Hay, S., & Attwood, T. (2017). The communication 'roundabout': Intimate relationships of adults with Asperger syndrome. Cogent Psychology, 4(1), 1283828. 

Yew, R. Y., Hooley, M., & Stokes, M. (2023). Factors of relationship satisfaction for autistic and non-autistic partners in long-term relationships. Autism, 27(8).