Towards net hero

I read with interest Jane Meyrick's thoughtful article on educating sons in the May issue. It was recognition that raising boys to become men is a societal problem, not a male problem. With 94 per cent of the prison population being male, around 66 per cent of suicides being male, and >70 per cent of violent assaults being on males, men have a problem as victims as well as perpetrators. 

But context is everything, and as Meyrick observes, men are 'the fruition of our training programme'. In 'Growing Good Men', psychologists Sue Roffey and Bridget Grenville-Cleave present a strengths-based approach to enabling men to have pride in their gender. This perspective is refreshing, as it alludes to foundational issues of what it means to be a man in contemporary society.

Without pretending to have a full answer, some observations can be made: 1) to consider there to be no sex-difference is to ignore the data: quite apart from male violence, if men aren't taught how to distinctively respect women, they won't do a good job of it; 2) without an awareness of distinctiveness, our expectations will be based on our own experience of our own gender: men, especially young men, will be relatively insensitive to the female perspective. This is a recipe for conflict and exploitation.

Perhaps we need to ask some bigger questions. For example, what is the distinctive dignity of a woman, and what is the distinctive dignity of a man? To suggest these questions are coterminous is unhelpful for the reasons given, not to mention downplaying the richness of our humanity. A more constructive starting point is to ask what sort of men do women really want? 

The answer is, of course, wonderfully diverse, including none, but for those who do, it is not men who are net liabilities. Hypergamy suggests it is men who are competent at life; resourceful, trustworthy, and committed. These are not men who are self-absorbed and consider their most intimate relationship as a vehicle for their own self-fulfilment. They are men who see an overriding value in the 'gift' of another person. Maybe this is the definition of a strong lover.

These qualities are not inherited. They are learned, and involve transmission across generations, not exclusively but particularly from father to son. So, as a society, let's educate our sons to aspire to a masculinity that gives rather than takes.

John Gallacher PhD, AFBPS, CPsychol, FFPH
Department of Psychiatry
Warneford Hospital, University of Oxford