Loving someone with a mental illness or history of trauma can be challenging and demanding. When your loved one is doing well, you may feel calm and hopeful; however, watching them struggle can be immensely painful. You may dedicate a lot of time and energy to supporting your loved one, and it can be easy to neglect your own feelings and needs. Further, many families suffer in silence which can magnify confusion, isolation, and pain. 

We, a daughter/mother, clinical psychologist/advocate-educator team in Minnesota (USA), have been creating resources for families for 20 years. Our new release, Loving someone with a mental illness or history of trauma: Skills, hope, and strength for your journey (Johns Hopkins University Press, 2025) aims to educate, comfort, validate, and empower families.

It's a book for family members and friends who care about an adult who has a mental illness or has experienced trauma. We specifically address major depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, schizophrenia, and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Why did we write this book?

We ground this book in both our personal lived experiences and in Michelle's 30+ years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples, and families who live with a variety of mental illnesses.

In my (Michelle)'s work across diverse settings, including as the director of the Family Mental Health Program in a VA Medical Center, I have been repeatedly struck by how many family members/friends feel invisible. They frequently work tirelessly to support their loved one, but their experience and efforts are often ignored. 

Inspired by this awareness and desiring to help, in the late 1990s I created family education programs regarding mental illness/PTSD. In facilitating these group sessions, I was in awe of what transpired among these families, including the power of connection, the ability to be understood, and the knowledge that they are not alone. Group participants were often hungry to learn new skills and to both give and receive support from other families. 

For a wide variety of reasons, many caregivers never access a support group or therapist. Stigma, schedules, access, insurance coverage, waiting lists, and lack of awareness are but a few of the barriers that keep people from getting support. 

I wanted to try to emulate and translate some of the in-person experiences into a book format, hoping to broaden access to the skills, information, and sense of feeling seen. So, I approached my mother (an advocate and educator) and asked her to join me in the writing process… and she said yes! Loving someone with a mental illness or history of trauma is the result of our collaboration and reflects our commitment to seeing and supporting caregivers. We hope readers experience it as a 'support group in a book', as it is filled with not only research-based skills, but passages from families with lived experience who generously allowed us to share their stories in their own words.

Equally importantly in our writing process, we drew upon our own lived experiences as we journey with family members and friends who have a mental illness or have experienced trauma. Our lived experiences inform every angle of our work; they highlight the considerable gap in the available resources, ignite and sustain our passion, motivate us to produce the best possible work, and make our writing especially meaningful.

How is our book different?

Although many valuable books explain various aspects of mental illness, we wrote this book specifically for family members/friends… providing hope and strength for their journey. It's important for caregivers to be seen and to have their experience validated. 

We offer opportunities to reflect on thoughts and feelings, including open-ended questions, interactive activities, and checklists. Writing can provide a chance to name, organise, and process experiences. Research has found many benefits of writing about deeply personal emotions and thoughts, such as decreasing blood pressure, strengthening your immune system, decreasing depression and anxiety, and improving sleep and overall well-being. Writing can also provide the opportunity to find deeper meaning in the challenges and perhaps understand the situation from a new perspective. 

No easy solutions

We do not strive to provide all the answers; easy solutions simply don't exist for complicated situations. However, we do offer a great deal of information, empowering and practical skills, up-to-date resources, and optional interactive activities to guide you in reflecting on your feelings and experiences. The information and recommendations are grounded in research, in principles of self-compassion, and in the evidence-based therapy models of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

Specifically, readers can:

• Learn tools to cope with difficult emotions
• Reflect on strategies to empower your loved one
• Acquire skills for strengthening your relationship with your loved one, including communication and limit-setting skills
• Consider how stigma and discrimination around mental illness have affected you and your loved one
• Learn strategies to support your children and help them cope effectively
• Explore ways of managing common challenges, such as when your loved one declines professional help or misuses alcohol or drugs
• Understand how your loved one's traumatic experiences can impact you and your relationship, and how the two of you can work together as a team
• Find ways to build your personal resilience and be compassionate with yourself

In summary, we balance straightforward, research-based information and recommendations with an empathic voice to attempt to connect with both minds and hearts. We strive to create a space in which readers can move beyond simply learning facts to courageously and honestly looking at their experience. In addition to presenting strategies grounded in science, we offer recommendations and tools that have helped other families.

What about the kids?

We have also been writing books for 20 years for teens whose parent manages a mental illness or history of trauma. These young people are at increased risk of developing mental health problems themselves, but are sadly often invisible. Our most recent book, I'm not alone: A teen's guide to living with a parent who has a mental illness or history of trauma (2nd edition, 2024), helps to fill the significant gap in resources for these youth. To learn more, see sample pages, and check out other resources we have developed, see our website.

What follows is an extract from Loving Someone with a Mental Illness or History of Trauma by Michelle D. Sherman, PhD, ABPP, and DeAnne M. Sherman. Copyright 2025. Published with permission of Johns Hopkins University Press.

Eight ways to support your kids and help them cope

Figuring out how care for your partner, your kids, and yourself can be a lot to juggle, especially during rocky times. The good news is that kids are pretty resilient! The majority of children raised in families managing a mental illness do well. Research has found that resilient children tend to have strong social support, a sense of purpose, hope and optimism, active coping skills, a sense of belonging, good problem-solving skills, and the ability to regulate their emotions. So, although having a parent with a mental illness can be a bumpy road, most children cope effectively.

However, we know that these youth are at higher risk for developing emotional problems themselves. It's impossible to predict if any particular child will develop a mental illness because so many different factors come into play. Importantly, parents can take specific steps to help their kids, including teaching them how to understand and cope with feelings, recognizing early signs of more serious problems, and seeking treatment early. All of these steps can help children's long-term well-being.

Although an in-depth exploration of how to support children is beyond the scope of this book, we offer eight suggestions to help you as parents and to foster resilience in your kids.

1. Take care of yourself. The single best thing you can do as a parent is to take care of your own well-being. Being good to yourself helps you be present for your kids. You are being a good parent when you are intentional about self-care. Not only are you improving yourself, but you are also being a good role model for your child. So, instead of feeling guilty for doing that yoga class after work, remember that committing this time for yourself is actually good for everyone!
2. Spend time alone with your child regularly. It can be helpful to schedule one on one time with your child on a regular basis. Your child can look forward to that quality time together. Although you may occasionally have serious conversations, dedicating this time to playing, having fun, and hanging out can strengthen your relationship. Of course, what you do together and the frequency of the shared time depend on their developmental level. (Some teenagers are most ready to talk at midnight!) You know your child and can suggest activities they will enjoy doing with you.
3. Talk openly about the mental illness and offer information in bite-size chunks, using language your kids can understand. Children are perceptive. Although they may not fully understand what they see and feel, they usually sense when someone is struggling. As children fear what they don't understand and often blame themselves, it's important for them to know what is going on. We believe it's important to be open and honest, using developmentally appropriate language. By naming and openly talking about the situation, you also have the opportunity to discuss how it's impacting them.

Because these conversations can be awkward, you may want to ask for help from a professional, a family member, or a friend. Resources listed at the end of this chapter can help you with these discussions.

4. Listen and encourage your kids to share their feelings and questions. When you name the mental illness as the elephant in the living room, you open the door for children to share their feelings and ask questions. Although you may plan topics to address in specific conversations, your child may also raise the subject at random times, perhaps on the way to school or at bedtime. Be open to ongoing dialogue, and let them know you want to hear what they're thinking and feeling. The questions kids have and their reactions to mental illness change over time, so your explanations need to shift accordingly.

As a parent, you may not know all the answers or what to say, and that's OK! You may consult with a professional or family member to think through how to respond. As children discuss and begin to understand their parent's illness, they may develop greater compassion and empathy for others, and may begin to appreciate that life can be uncertain at times.

5. Offer reassurance. In addition to being honest about the fact that your family is dealing with some challenges, it's important to offer reassurance. Although you decide what is appropriate for your unique situation, some helpful messages include

You're not alone. Over 1 in 20 American adults has a mental illness like your mom or dad. Many families are affected.

You didn't cause your parent's illness, and it's not your fault.

We see you. We realize this situation affects you. We want to support you.

6. Create a support team for your children, possibly including their own therapist. Your partner's mental illness can consume a lot of time and energy, which can result in your having less to give to your kids. Encourage your children to spend time with other kids and to explore their interests outside the home.

You may also be intentional about creating a support team which may include their own individual therapist. Many other people can also help your children, such as family members, friends, faith leaders/elders, and community members such as coaches, teachers, and neighbors. These adults might create a regular ritual with your child (such as shooting hoops or getting ice cream together) or they may make themselves available when times are especially rough.

Are there adults in your kids' lives who are especially supportive? If so, who? 
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If not, who in your support network might be able to be there for your kids? Might 
you consider reaching out and asking them to be part of your team?
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7. When a crisis arises, ask for help.

What's helpful for you and your children when things are especially rough at home?_____________________________________________________________________________________________
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Remember, you don't have to go through hard times alone. Asking for help takes courage. People often want to support you but just don't know how. Be specific about what they can do to be helpful, such as picking up groceries, dropping the kids off at school, or spending time with your loved one so you can have some time alone.

8. Empower your kids and instill hope. It's important to approach conversations in an honest yet positive manner. Instill confidence in your children that they can manage this difficult situation and have coping tools for the tough times. As a parent, you know that sticking to daily schedules and routines can build resilience, but take breaks and be flexible when needed. Help your children focus on what they have control over.

Children can be comforted by optimistic messages such as

We have doctors, counselors, relatives and friends who are helping us during this 
difficult time.

Mental illness is treatable. There are many medications and therapies that can help your parent to feel better. Although we don't have a cure right now, scientists and doctors are developing new treatments all the time.

We've been through hard times as a family before—we can handle this!

Although you can't cure your parent, there are ways you can help and support them. Your parent loves it when you_______________________________ (fill in the blank with small things your child can do, such as give hugs, pick up their room, or send a loving text message).