Four tools for developing greater acceptance

Greater acceptance requires perspective taking and reducing unneeded negative judgments, both of which can be supported by the following:

1.         Remembering "big idea" perspectives

2.         Disputing exaggerated negative thinking

3.         Maintaining core beliefs that promote acceptance

4.         Practicing and applying principles of nonjudgmental awareness (mindfulness)

Tool #1. Remembering "Big Idea" Perspectives

One of the core ideas behind cognitive behavioural psychology is that our perceptions and thinking can impact our emotions. If we think negatively about the weather, the economy, our neighbours, our coworkers, our work, and the like, we automatically feel greater stress, irritation, and worry. If we dwell on past mistakes, we're bound to feel more anxious or depressed. If we ruminate about what can go wrong in the future, we'll feel more worried. But if we soften our negative judgments and have greater acceptance of the ebb and flow of life, we feel fewer negative emotions.

It's also the case that our minds like simplicity. This can work against us when we apply simplistic negative labels to people and events, such as bad, horrible, terrible, stupid, and the like. But it can work in our favour when we remember big, simple, core truths that can help us gain perspective through the ups and downs of life. In the case of acceptance, these ideas focus on softening our natural tendency towards negative judgments. Here are three self-evident, big-picture truths that can help us gain perspective in times of difficulty.

"It's part of life"

If we could commit ourselves to just one core idea in support of acceptance, it would be the simple but powerful concept that difficulty is a regular part of life. The advantage of reminding ourselves of this very basic truth in times of difficulty and frustration is that we need not assess an event as being either positive or negative, but simply acknowledge its reality, with less emotional turmoil. The point is to have a go-to phrase that we can tell ourselves in response to difficult events, helping us get a broader perspective and reducing negative emotions.

A similar powerful phrase is "It is what it is." The essence of acceptance is an ability to see and understand reality without always having to evaluate it. If you find that negative judgments are making your life less satisfying and enjoyable, consider the following types of phrases.

•          "It's part of life"

•          "That's life"

•          "It is what it is"

•          "That's how it goes"

•          "This cold weather is just part of life"

•          "Mistakes are part of life. I'll learn from them and move on"

•          "I don't like it, but irritating (arrogant, combative, mean, greedy) people are part of life"

•          "That wasn't such a great decision, but not being able to predict the future is part of life"

•          "Getting sick is no fun, but it's part of life"

•          "I hate this traffic, but it's just part of life"

The use of this big idea perspective was exemplified by Zeno, the founder of the Stoic school of philosophy around 300 BC, when he experienced a shipwreck that resulted in the loss of all his possessions. He told his colleagues, "Fortune bids me to philosophise with a lighter pack." Life is filled with both pleasant and unpleasant events, and all of them are a part of what we experience. We don't need to like them, but we also don't need to add to our unhappiness by continuing to assess them negatively.

"Humans aren't perfect"

Another simple, but very important big truth of life is that we humans aren't perfect. This is guaranteed by both nature and nurture. Our genes provide us with imperfect bodies, dispositions, mental abilities, behaviours, and emotions. And if that's not enough, we pick up on beliefs, attitudes, and perspectives from family, friends, and society that can also be imperfect.

There is a bell curve to humanity, representing the reality of a diverse rainbow of human traits and personalities. If we expect people to not make mistakes and always have agreeable personalities, our social interactions will be a source of frustration and irritation. If we expect ourselves to not make mistakes, always make the right choices, and always be liked and understood, we will be unhappy and sorely disappointed.

Remembering this truth, and applying fewer judgments toward ourselves and others, is important in accepting life. Choose one or two phrases from the following list that feel natural to you. When you find yourself frustrated by a co-worker, friend, family member, or yourself – especially over things that don't really matter – try one out.

•          "Nobody's perfect"

•          "Everyone makes mistakes"

•          "Everybody's got challenges"

•          "Every one's different"

•          "I don't know what it's like to walk in their shoes"

•          "It's not easy being human"

In the case of truly difficult, irritating people, you can remind yourself that they are a part of life or they are who they are. 

"This just doesn't matter"

Letting things go when they don't matter is as assertive as standing up for ourselves when they do. The low-hanging fruit of acceptance is to accept those things that we have no power to change. As the Stoic philosopher Epictetus put it, "What then is to be done? To make the best of what is in our power, and take the rest as it naturally happens."

Some things are quite important: protection, survival, good relationships with those we love, good mental and physical health, and our interests and causes. But so many everyday events simply aren't that important or aren't within our choice or control. What if someone cuts us off in traffic, our favourite football team wins (or loses), the weather today is hot (or cold), or a friend offended us 10 years ago – these simply don't matter in the larger scheme of things. What matters to us varies from individual to individual, depending on our personal values. But it's safe to say that we can all make mountains out of molehills by living on autopilot with our natural judgmental tendencies and habits. Despite our inherent instinct to judge (i.e., assess things as good or bad), we don't need to judge things that don't matter if we so choose. But not judging does require intentional mental effort.

Here are examples of the types of phrases to consider when you need to remind yourself that something doesn't matter. Develop a few go-to phrases that work best for you.

•          "This just doesn't matter"

•          "Some things matter, but not this"

•          "What's the worst that can happen?"

•          "Why does this matter?"

•          "I literally can't do anything about this"

•          "Will worrying make this any better?"

•          "Is this worth the bother?"

•          "Let it go"

•          "I don't need to judge this"

•          "This won't mean a thing in a hundred years"

Tool #2. Disputing Exaggerated Negative Thinking

Hopefully, one of the preceding big truths can help bring you back to a degree of helpful acceptance. But sometimes we need to drill further down into our thinking, in order to help that process. A major tenet of cognitive behavioural psychology is identifying "cognitive distortions"— flawed, inflexible thinking, based on not considering all factors – and providing useful responses to them. While there are many types of these distortions, one of the most powerful, when it comes to not accepting life, is exaggerated negative thinking.

Exaggerated negative thinking means thinking in simplistic, extreme, unreasonable ways about ourselves, other people, or specific situations. It can involve catastrophic thinking, all-or-nothing thinking, a sole focus on negative factors, or forecasts of only negative outcomes – all of which end up with us seeing things as worse than they really are. It fails to balance that assessment with other factors, thus not allowing us to see other perspectives. We can choose to perceive things differently by not focusing solely on what's wrong in our lives. We can balance this way of thinking, or even replace it, by putting more focus on what's right in our lives.

Table 4.1 offers some simple examples of the types of responses we can use with exaggerated negative thinking. The first crucial step is to consciously realise that we are exaggerating. The second is to consider other factors we've previously omitted. If you need to be more objective, imagine that you're giving advice to a family member or best friend who came to you with this type of exaggerated thinking.

Image

In Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman makes the key point that optimism itself isn't as much about positive thinking as it is about nonnegative thinking. We don't need to look in the mirror and say, "I'm the best thing ever"; we need to respond to exaggerated thoughts that say, "I'm not worthwhile." We don't need to maintain that life is "all good"; we need to remind ourselves that life is "not all bad." A helpful resource regarding additional ideas and tools for dealing with exaggerated negative thinking and other cognitive distortions is Feeling Good, by David Burns.

Naoki teaches, practices, and researches cognitive behavioural therapy. He notes that one of its key goals is to promote more flexible, balanced thinking. This entails considering all aspects in a given situation – both the positives and the negatives. Such an approach focuses on information that is supported by facts and other evidence, rather than being based on loose impressions and judgments. This is crucial. Once this information has been subjected to empirical scrutiny, it becomes clear that exaggerated negative thinking and unreasonable beliefs don't hold up. The more you can stick to clear-eyed facts and depend less on impressions and judgments, the more balance you can have in your thinking – and in your life generally.

Tool #3. Maintaining Core Beliefs That Promote Acceptance

Many of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours flow from our under lying core beliefs (assumptions) about ourselves, others, and life. Harsh and unreasonable beliefs can be detrimental to both acceptance and our general wellbeing. Even if we try to counter exaggerated negative thinking, retaining flawed, exaggerated core beliefs may overwhelm our efforts to gain a better perspective.

Albert Ellis, an early advocate of cognitive behavioural techniques, and Kristene Doyle have identified three common unreasonable beliefs (they call them the "three musts") that are particularly detrimental to happiness.

1.         I must do well and win the approval of others, or else I'm not worthwhile.

2.         Other people must do the right thing (as judged by me), or else they're not good.

3.         Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconveniences. 

Such musts can seriously get in the way of our well-being.

They provide unreasonable expectations that will certainly lead to dissatisfaction with life. An important part of happiness is to have reasonable beliefs or expectations that correspond with how life really is. Reasonable beliefs are grounded in assumptions that are believable, self-evident, and in line with common sense. 

Our beliefs are influenced by both nature (our innate personalities) and nurture (family and cultural influence). As we become adults, most of us have the mental ability to intentionally review and evaluate our beliefs, to make sure they make sense to us and are good for us. It can be helpful to remind ourselves of reasonable beliefs in our everyday comings and goings, in order to develop greater acceptance in our lives.

Tool #4. Applying Nonjudgmental Awareness, or Mindfulness

Mindfulness and mindfulness meditation have been central features of Buddhism for more than two millennia. Along with traditional Buddhist teachings, a more secular version of mindfulness has become a larger feature of Western wellbeing practices since the 1970s. The core idea of mindfulness is fairly simple: learning to pay attention, on purpose, and without judgment. Mindfulness meditation is a formal practice to train the mind in mindfulness for everyday living. Because mindfulness is based in nonjudgmental acceptance, it directly fosters an attitude of acceptance. In fact, mindfulness is defined as awareness of present experience, with acceptance. Instead of using verbal responses to soften judgments, mindfulness practitioners employ nonjudgmental awareness as a direct form of acceptance, without needing to use words (although verbal cues and support can certainly be helpful). The basic principles of mindfulness are widespread and well known, but below are two practical approaches you might experiment with if you're not familiar with the technique.

1.         Mindfulness meditation. A common, basic form of mindfulness meditation is to sit quietly and focus on your breathing, letting go of all other mental activities – including judgment – and gently returning to the inflow and outflow of air in your nostrils and belly if your mind drifts away. This simple practice can be used as a form of formal meditation on a daily basis (experiencing the ebb and flow of your breath, just as you would the ebb and flow of the ocean or the waves of a lake). It can also be used informally by returning to a neutral focus on breathing, for moments at a time, at any point in the day.

2.         Everyday mindfulness. If you're not inclined toward formal meditation, you can still informally apply this same mindful attention to almost any daily activity: eating, walking, listening, showering, driving, observing nature, and so forth. Not only does this develop greater nonjudgmental acceptance, but it also helps us experience life's details more fully. It helps us pay attention and be in the moment. The key is to focus on seeing and experiencing the details of life, letting go of evaluations and judgments. Focus on the details of how food tastes, of your feet hitting the ground, of water on your skin as you shower. If evaluations do enter in, accept evaluation itself, without judgment.

Wherever You Go, There You Are, by Jon Kabat- Zinn, is a helpful introduction to both formal and informal mindfulness practice.

"Radical acceptance," a term used by Tara Brach and others, means incorporating acceptance into our mindset for everyday living, and also as part of our worldview. In particular, it involves letting go of our natural tendency to try to mentally control things that are out of our hands or that we cannot change. We have the power of choice in some matters, but not in others. Radical acceptance includes accepting the reality of our life – including our thoughts, emotions, and circumstances – in the moment, without judgment and with compassion. If we practice mindfulness meditation, this is a natural time to also practice radical acceptance.  These are moments when we let go of mental turmoil and worry by sitting back and letting the universe simply be or, similarly, by letting God take care of the universe (placing everything "in God's hands"). From time to time, by generally accepting all that is, we can foster greater peace of mind.

Excerpted from The Four Paths of Assertiveness: Speaking Up, Jumping In, Embracing Compassion, and Accepting Life by Scott Cooper and Naoki Yoshinaga, PhD. Copyright 2025. Reprinted with permission of Johns Hopkins University Press.